Pete's thoughts

Aw Pete I'm so sorry That is great that you two were so close though and shared so much. I was really only ever close to one of my grandparents and while losing him was devastating, I was glad we were so close. I wish I'd gotten to know my other grandparents better.

That is pretty cool your grandma watches Survivor. I remember, my aunt got me into it when I was 12. That was over ten years ago, during Africa. First ep I ever watched was where Kelly G was voted out. Then I bought Seasons 1-3 and watched what I missed. And I have seen every season since except I was so busy I missed a good chunk of Heroes VS Villains.

But that is great you two have shared so much. I know how hard it must be that she's not doing well ut you will ALWAYS have the memories that you two shared.

Home from work, today wasn't bad at all, more awake today than I was yesterday, maybe 4 hours of sleep is better for me lmao

Niki, thanks. The first episode of Survivor I ever watched was the first season Episode 4 when Ramona got voted out. I was at my grandmothers house and the rule was no speaking at all when Survivor was on. I actually didn't get into the show until the next time I was at my grandmothers house where I saw the episode Jenna Lewis was voted out and have been hooked ever since. I always wanted to be on Survivor but now not sure I want to because knowing that she will probably not be able to watch it makes me not want to try and get on it. Who knows maybe I'll change my mind but yeah.

Aw Pete, being on it is prob what she's always wanted. She would be so proud of you. Don't give up your dream. She would not want that.

so it seems when I have a bad day this is where I go to post about it.

My grandma is in the hospital. Found out she is in late stages of cancer. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I saw her today and tried to remain positive the entire time but it felt like I was just falling apart inside.

I really hate the way I've been feeling these last few days. There are times when I feel extremely sad, but then there are times when it is easier to not think about it (mainly when I'm at work). I've actually had 2 of the best days at work yesterday and today and yet I feel extremely guilty, like it isn't right for me to enjoy anything right now.

and I know it has been almost 2 months but I am finding that it is actually starting to hit me about my grandfather's death. I knew it would as we got closer to the holidays but it still is too much.

One thing that really sucks is that Martina McBride is my favorite singer and yet I absolutely cannot listen to her newest single. There is only one song I cannot listen to (Best of Intentions by Travis Tritt) prior to this, so usually I can handle sad songs and even like them because they are a way for me to deal with my emotions but Martina's new one 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It' reminds me of my grandma and grandpa, and how he is helping her and everything. I wish I could listen to it to help me deal but I can't. I ended up listening to it when I watched the CMA Awards this past Wednesday night and that was really hard.

I haven't watched survivor from last week at all, I just can't focus on it right now. Knowing that I really can't talk to her about it anymore.

I almost feel like losing her means I'm losing a part of my life. My grandmother influenced me more than anyone else and I always felt like I could talk to her more than anyone else. I can't believe I'm losing her. So much is going to change.

I feel like I am going through a revolving door and can't get out. I keep going back and forth on the same emotions and they are not getting any easier to deal with, only harder.

Thanksgiving is going to be so hard this year, as is Christmas. My mom thinks my grandmother will definitely make it to Christmas but not for much longer than that, though even to then isn't looking to good.

I am so emotionally tired, it isn't funny. I can't enjoy anything cause when I start to I feel guilty. I can't talk to anyone cause I just want to break down. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away and closing myself off emotionally and that is the last thing I wanna do but I just don't know how to stop it.

sorry for rambling again about this, just needed too

Pete, do NOT feel guilty. None of it is your fault. I am SO sorry about all you have been going through lately.. I really wish I could do something to help.. Text me if you wanna talk sometime! And don't stop watchin Survivor.. your grandma wouldn't want that.. you should watch it to celebrate what good times you've had together! I know what you mean about the songs though.. I can't listen to certain songs that remind me of sad times either. I really wish I knew what else to say to cheer you up or help you but I am soo bad with words All I can say is we will all pray for your Grandma and everyone is here for you too <3

thanks as always Niki . I won't stop watching Survivor for good, but I don't know if I can stick to following along this season. (it doesn't help that I accidentally read a spoiler on who most likely wins).

I'm trying to remain more positive about things, but sometimes its just way too much and making that post actually helped me a little. Just posted a long post tagging 23 friends from while I was in school on Facebook. Just to say I missed hanging out with them. They are probably all gonna get annoyed with me lol but oh well. Hope they all reply cause I really do miss all of them.

I'm gonna make a goal right now, and that is that I want to start writing again and wanna have something put together by Christmas. I wanna be able to share some of it with my grandma, cause I am going to dedicate the story to her. It's probably going to be a sci-fi fantasy story but yeah. Hopefully I can do that, cause it would mean the world to me.

aww i love your story idea! i'd like to read it too!

and i doubt your friends will be annoyed.. if they are they're not your real friends.

For those of you who are not friends with me on Facebook, my grandma passed away this morning. It has been a long and hard day and I'm still struggling with it. Was next to her bed when it happened.

I'm sorry to hear that Pete I've never experienced loss in my life, so I don't know what you're going through... but my thoughts are with you, and my heart goes out to you.

I saw this on facebook but wanted to say again how sorry I am for your loss. If there is anything at all I can do please let me know. You can text me/facebook im/message me anytime! Heck I only live about 30 mins from you! I was heartbroken after losing the one Grandparent I was close to in high school, and can't even imagine how hard it is to lose two of them so close to eachother. My thoughts will be with you. I know everyone here will be understanding and patient about your games and everything, so please take the time you need. Your family needs you right now. And always remember she lived a wonderful life, blessed to have you as her grandson and you can ALWAYS cherish those memories. <3

Sorry for your loss, Pete. Keep your head up

The only things that can heal you, at least from my experience, are time and prayers. I don't know if you are a believer, have faith, or whatever you wish to call it, but I am sending my prayers and keeping you and your family in my thoughts. Remember all the things about her that make you smile. She is with you, always.

thanks all of you, I really appreciate it all.

Mandie, I have a lot of faith and actually wanna start going to church on a weekly basis because I really wanna get in better habits with my faith.

I know its going to take time. I am still in shock over it to be completely honest. I went to her house this morning and almost fell apart, but held it together right before I got to work. Then I broke down while talking to my mom, and was having a hard time throughout the day but it wasn't too bad cause I just focused on my work and didn't think about it.

so tomorrow is the funeral and I am dreading it. I am honestly not holding up too well. This whole thing is definitely taking its toll on me. I couldn't get into Thanksgiving yesterday, tried but it just didn't happen. I enjoyed Black Friday and working it more.

Went to Wal-Mart this morning at 4:30am, bought myself 3 items, Uncharted 3, WWE All Stars and The Day After Tomorrow Blu-Ray. Basically done Christmas shopping so didn't worry about that. It was nice to go only cause the insanity of the store was a good distraction. Then I had to be to work at 10:30am, and worked til 5:30pm. Barely slept 2 hours and feel like I'm about to drop but don't wanna sleep.

I've been writing a poem for my grandma that I need to finish, just haven't gotten it done yet. I need it done for tomorrow cause I wanna try and read it. My mom wants me too. I just feel so lost and alone. I feel like I cannot allow myself to break down cause my mom and everyone else is having a hard enough time with it themselves.

All I wanna do is get together with some friends and drink until I pass out, which is something I've never done, but the thought of just letting loose and having a good time feels like it could help. Won't do it though as I won't ever drink when I'm upset.

I'm probably gonna crash soon, so tired lol

I'm sorry you weren't able to enjoy Thanksgiving much. Glad work is helping you a bit atleast. I know funerals are very hard but atleast it's a way to say goodbye to someone and think of it as a celebration of their life where you can say thankyou to all she's done for you!

Hang in there Pete. I promise the days will get easier eventually.

PS, you'll have to let me know if you like Uncharted 3. I really want that game too.

Mandie, I know the days will get easier. I'm trying to be positive and not so depressed about it. It being the holidays make it that much harder. For as long as I can remember every holiday has always been about visiting my grandma with my mom and my papa with my dad. I cannot see either of them this year and that is just too much right now. I'll figure a way to get through it as I need to but its hard is all I really can say right now.

and and Mandie, Uncharted 3 is AMAZING!!! I love the entire series and just found out that the next game is coming out for the Playstation Vita so now I gotta make sure I buy that system for it, love every game in the series thus far. Hope they make another for the PS3 as well!

This past year I have honestly not felt like myself, and didn't truly realize it until this past month. I had withdrawn from myself so much that I pushed every one of my friends away. I'm glad I see this now cause I feel like I'm finally getting it together. I wish I had noticed this sooner but I didn't. Oh well, but I'm trying to move forward from this year with hope that things can get better.

One of the things I am doing is writing a book of poetry. I have tons of poetry I've written over the years that I am very proud of so it is something I wanna do. I've also had a few poems published through school and other organizations. It is going to dedicated to my grandma and include the poem I wrote and read for her funeral. I feel it is an amazing poem and I am very proud of it. I'm also going to try and eventually get it published, which could be possible, we'll see. Already have 14 poems put together for it but got some more searching to do for others that I've written.

Update on my Poetry book: 58+ Poems written and counting

Most of my poems are on the depressing side, been trying to force myself to write something happier but haven't succeeded yet lol. I write depressing stuff better.

Today is my younger sister's birthday, unfortunately she is up in Maine now living with her father. Frustrated about that whole situation.

Gotta get back to getting other things finished, like ORG Planet's Favorite Movie Competition and ORG Planet's Interactive Survivor Story.

Awesome that you're writing poetry. And it can be frustrating when you feel like you can't write a different way, but the way I see it, if you feel like you're only writing depressing stuff, then that's what you need to be doing. Never stop trying other stuff, but it'll come when it feels right

I always felt like I couldn't write about the present very well. Always felt like I got stuck writing in the past, but if that's all I was feeling, then that's what I needed to write.

thanks Doug, am gonna definitely keep trying. Will get there eventually.

so just got more bad news today. My aunt is in the hospital in Boston, she has an aneurysm and she is in critical care. This is the same aunt that I got into an argument with last summer. She had also been there for me and my sister in Nov after my grandma had passed. I'm really hoping she ends up being okay. Am waiting to hear more...

Sorry to hear that, Pete.

Hope she ends up being ok too

thanks JK, apparently she has 2 aneurysms and they don't know how she'll respond to treatment until she wakes up. Praying for the best, I really cannot believe this