An Essay For Jordan

Once upon a time I didn't mind Zooey Deschanel. But she should have remained C-list famous, because honestly, she doesn't deserve the star status that she has. I don't even know where to begin, except at the beginning. Excuse me for being redundant. I bet Zooey would point that out to me if she had the chance.

The first time I ever saw Zooey Deschanel was in Elf. OK, great, she sings in the shower, she has blond hair, she sings again at the end of the movie and saves the day and Will Ferrell (who's another person I really cannot stand).

Then she disappeared. And all was well.

She next appeared in my life as Dorothy on the Shotime recreation of the Wizard of Oz. That's fine, whatever, that was in and out of the --

INTERRUPTED BY MY CUTE DOG IS SCRATCHING THE COUCH BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO SIT IN THE SUN.

*Doug, Mo, Jack (I don't know why I put Jack but I did), Jess, Jordan, Zack, Cam, Kenya, Jessie, Ryan, Thian, Bryan, and Pete give a collective AWWWWW*

*Mandie rolls her eyes because it is not a cat*

-- that was in and out of the picture. She disappeared again. Life was content as a picturesque Thoreau imaginative interpretation of Walden Pond. Or some other place with no people and a lot of katydids/crickets.

What REALLY annoyed me about her was probably when she began singing professionally as She & Him. I gave them a chance, but eurgh, I don't know what it really is. The way I explain it is that she tries too hard to be "indie." Same with M. Ward...he's fine solo, I guess I'll let Monsters of Folk slide, but She & Him, really?

And now I begin an itemized list of the supposed "indie cred" which Zooey holds over all of our heads.

1. She sings in a band, and as a result, plays the indie circuit/radio stations.
2. She sings in a band with M. Ward --

INTERRUPTED BY AD ON THE TV. GO US WOMENS HOCKEY TEAM!

-- M. Ward, as I previously mentioned, is OK, but I feel like it makes no sense. This is what I imagine Zooey's train-of-thought to be when starting She & Him "Hey M., I know you shorten your first name to an initial. You've also lived in some pretty indie-cred places, like New Hampshire, or Portland, Oregon, so...hey want to start a band? We'll be pretty cool. I'm sure of it."

M. Ward: "Sure."

3. That FUCKING cotton commercial. It's so ridiculous. It has nothing to do with cotton. She should be PICKING THE COTTON. That would make her much more legit. Maybe Sarah Silverman should appear on her doorstep in blackface and teach her a thing or two, I don't know. But here's the evidence. I will break down this video.



a. The opening line. "Woke up today/it was a very special day" You call yourself a singer? A songwriter? It's very possible you didn't write this at all, I don't know. But who the FUCK rhymes day with day?! It's absurd. And it's just lame. And has nothing to do with cotton.

b. The scenes. Running off the stage in the middle of a concert set in a little lounge. Furthering the claim that she tries too hard to be indie. 'I only sing in small clubs and lounges, in order to maintain my vulnerability and low-profile of famous.' Bullshit.

3-b-i. The stupid fucking old oak piano (or whatever dark wood that's made out of). She's basically saying, "Oh! Let me drink this Smart Water with electrolytes that I bought from Starbucks, but I poured it out of the bottle into this glass that I made in my glassblowing class three weeks ago. I can't decide if I want to use the bottle as a flower vase, or in my compost pile in the back. It's so cute though. It has a goldfish on the inside of the label. And THEN, let me post sticky notes on my piano and look inquisitively at the sun with my tweety-bird eyes."

3-b-ii. The bicycle scene? I really want to take that bicycle and run her over with it. First it has a basket. Whatever. But she's wearing a blouse, a skirt, leggings and high heels...which clearly is NOT bicycle riding gear, unless maybe you're Mariah Carey. But beyond that, she's not riding the bicycle, she's just WALKING with it. Another attempt to be indie by making a statement: "I don't ride my bike, I just walk it. It's like my pet. But I don't have to feed it or poop it."

3-b-iii. The three final scenes of her 1. going to some random antique store to pick out a banjo ("I'm too indie to buy a new banjo, it has to be used and has to be in an antique store") 2. going to the record store to buy records ("I'm too indie to prescribe to modern technology and buy CDs or MP3s, I'm a music purist and only buy records -- look at my cute hair tendrils!") 3. going to some store, which we obviously know is an expensive boutique somewhere on Rodeo Drive in which nothing is truly under 300 dollars. And more importantly, nothing is made from cotton.r

The only positive part to this commercial is the shot of her ass.

Apart from all these details, I watched some tv show this summer and EVERY single commercial were the ones Cotton rolled out with Zooey Deschanel, Jazmine Sullivan and Miranda Lambert (or whoever that random country singer is).

4. She looks like Katy Perry. Katy Perry kissed girls and called her ex-boyfriend gay even though he doesn't even like boys. She wore a metallic jumpsuit and dates Russell Brandt (sp?). She is badass. She eats lollipops. She sings with 3OH!3. She sings an AMAZING cover of MGMT's Electric Feel. She is far superior to fucking Zooey Deschanel. Much in the way Christina Auguilera just so "happened" to look like Lady Gaga when she first became famous - by the way Lady Gaga has had 5 #1 singles since that happened, and what the FUCK have you done, Xtina??? - Zooey Deschanel is the indie version of Katy Perry. And Katy Perry eats bitches like Zooey Deschanel for breakfast and shits them OUT.

5. Her name. She's named after a character from one of JD Salinger's novels, which is fine. She had no control over her name. But it could be Zoe (remember Zoe Zanidakis from Survivor?). It couldn't be Zoey (even that's pushing it, and feels like this spelling should only be reserved for Sesame Street characters). It is Zooey. With 2 O's, an E, a Y, and a Z. "Hey, M. Ward. I know that your first name is an initial. But guess what? I have three vowels in my name. Not only that, THEY ARE ALL IN A ROW. I also have a pretend vowel in my name that can be a vowel or a consonant. That makes me mysterious. But on top of all of that MY NAME BEGINS WITH A Z SO SHOVE THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT. Oh, let's make another album and play at Bonnaroo."

6. Big, bug eyes freak the shit out of me. Zooey Deschanel has big bug eyes.

Evidence:



Kim Goodman holds World Guinness Records in eye popping.

7. I seem to be the only one who hates her. Well, myself, maybe Mo (but feel free to disassociate yourself from this post, Mo, I can't remember if you said you didn't like her or not) - I'm sure there are many people who don't really like her, but I've only met one other person who agrees that Zooey Deschanel should just go away. Which is a VERY small percentage. You know how there just seems to be an overwhelming majority of people that innately hate Sheryl Crow? Or Coldplay? (I would have included Nickelback in this list but there is an overwhelming majority of people who like them too, which cancels them out, and that makes me sad.) There seems to be an overwhelming majority of people that just LIKE her. And I don't get why. They are impartial to her music, I don't know anyone who is a genuine fan of She & Him, nobody seems to know her from movies, yet when I say I hate her, people are like why? I should print this out and give it to them. But if I ask them why they LIKE her, they shrug their shoulders and just say "I dunno."



Shrugs.

8. I really like the show Top Chef. They did a season called Top Chef Masters, which is basically famous chefs playing for charity. This particular show had a great group, where only one chef could move on - it had Anita Lo, Hubert Keller, some other guy who has been on Top Chef before as a judge, and OPRAH'S PRIVATE COOK. Or ex-cook. I don't know. He's very fat and very gay, and pretty much awesome. So as they get to the elimination challenge...well...watch the video...the more you watch the more it will make sense, but AT LEAST watch until the 1:00 mark.



To quote Zooey: "There are just a couple of things that you should know. I should tell you firstly that I'm a vegetarian. So I can't eat any meat, fish, eggs, or dairy. Also I have a few dietary restrictions. I'm gluten-intolerant, and I don't eat soy. So good luck, and I'll see you tomorrow!"

A few things, to start on this one.

8a. Zooey Deschanel, you are a fucking MORON. You don't eat any animal biproducts, which...is vegan, yet you call yourself a vegetarian? Please get your animal rights eating descriptions correct if you're going to fling around titles.

8b. I can't knock you for being gluten-intolerant - but again, I feel like it's a ploy to increase your indie cred by not eating wheat products.

8c. You don't eat soy? I'm not sure why. But what the fuck do you eat? Are you a fucking rabbit? I mean, the chefs made amazing dishes, and I know it's possible to have an animal-less, soy-less, wheat-less meal. But that sounds like you live a miserable life. However, I feel like it's all a scam.

I won't comment too much more on this point, but what in the HELL makes you a food critic? I don't get it. I love her mother and the asian with the yellow beret who looks like one of Madeleine's classmates who ran away from Miss Claireaux. But really...ya'll ain't food critics. So stop trying with your meat-wheat-soy-free meals.

9. There is a college out there with the #1 college radio station in America. They play a lot of indie/folk music, it's not too bad, but let's put it this way. If indie music could anthropomorphize itself into a hot guy, this radio station would be on its knees in 3.9 seconds waiting to suck it's dick. And Zooey is part of that dick.




In conclusion, I have presented my points as to why I hate Zooey Deschanel. In the same way that Miley Cyrus tries too hard to be popular and serious at the same time, the same way that Lady Gaga tries too hard to look batshit insane, in the same way that Michael Jackson tried to look white...Zooey Deschanel tries too hard to be indie-cool. Unfortunately, she misses her mark.

my stomach hurts from laughing so hard

Ugh, DJ why is this so long? I'll read it later when I want to actually read an essay lol.

Because my hate for Zooey Deschanel extends for that long.

I really thing you should read it. It's worth it, I swear.

Love love love love love love it :D

Also, you have way too much time on your hands. Go read a book or something

This is what you have to look forward to as a college graduate, Jessie. Just a warning.

this was amazing, absolutely loved it DJ, great job haha

Also Miranda Lambert is AMAZING, much better than Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood (just had to say lol)

Yeah, it was her. That's probably the best outta the three. Do I think for one minute she feeds her farm animal in a flower print skirt, no, but at least she's not trying to be something she's not!

I liked 8. 8b is my favorite. I really don't know what she would eat. She must not have a kitchen, just a garden.

That's what I'm saaaaaaaaaaaayinnnnnnn

When I saw that episode, I was just like "you are a pretentious fuck."

I'm going to post a counterpoint first.

I am completely in love with Zooey Deschanel...or I was rather. When I first saw her it was in 'The Good Girl' which was a movie I absolutely adored and I loved her in it and I was like "This lady is going places!" because you could just tell she had that sort of quality that you could see in actresses like Chloe Sevigny or Sarah Polley, that they fit this little niche in indie theater and are good enough to carry a movie that is destined to fade into obscurity.

I honestly like actresses like that. They're good and they are artists and not looking to get famous as much as they are to produce art. Zooey was kind of going that rout. And I don't fault her for wanting to get famous and make money and have an easier life because heeeeeeeeeeeeeell people that don't sell out are idiots. Like the other two actresses I mentioned. Chloe has her shit going on because she is a BEAST but Ms. Polley...does anyone even know who she is? No, because she is stuck in obscurity and is destined to just be a mom who was once an actress.

But FUCKING Zooey Deschanel!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't like people who get famous for being of the right sub-culture at the right time. And yeah, Zooey is indie because she knows being indie will get her noticed. She's used this platform to get herself noticed and I have yet to see her deliver an adequate performance in anything she's been in (including her 'band') since she's been setting out to strike it big. And let's not forget that in general Indie culture is retarded. There. I said it. You know why? Because it's based on being alternative to be mainstream. Like...what a fucking joke! Are you kidding me? For realz. It's the regular people more than the 'artists' that run the show that are the most guilty of this but it is out of control and the entirety of indie culture should be just burned out, by setting their product laden asymmetrical hair ablaze and watching them scream.

I like her sister though.

bump because this took me a long time to write

I just saw an add for 500 Days Of Summer about 5 minutes ago and almost threw up.