Things you don't want to hear your mother say...

*she eats some leftover salad using a salad spoon after dinner*

Me: Heh, that's a big spoon!

Mom: I've got a big mouth.

Thankfully I can't think of anything to contribute to this thread, lol

I worked with my mom for a while at Future Shop, and we were having Hawaiian day once, where all the staff dressed up. My mom actually said in front of everyone "I WANT A LEI!" which everyone then laughed at.

AND THEN, (this one's not sexual, but I still love it) I was volun-told to work this boxing day (I haven't worked there for a year), and I was at the front cash when someone came up laughing, and was like "Your mom is in the lunch room, and she just said 'Who's that girl at the front who used to work here?' and then Josh said, without missing a beat, '...That's Jessica. Your daughter?'" Ends up she meant someone else (obviously), but the whole store won't let her live that down, hahaha.

Last Christmas, I left the wrapping paper and tape in my room so my mom said she would go grab it. I remembered that I had her present laying out on my floor so I jumped up and said "No! Wait! I'll just go grab it." and she looked at me and said "Why?...what are you hiding? Condoms?"

That wasn't really as horrible as it could have been, but mos' def' awkward. I came back down with the wrapping paper and tape and she decides to continue, saying, "You know, if you are hiding condoms...don't worry. I'm just happy that you're being safe."

Okay, mom, thanks for that wonderous moment over the holidays.

Oh Ryan's mom.

My dad is the most awkward person ever. We'll watch a movie, and there will be a sex scene, and instead of fast forwarding it or sitting there awkwardly, he goes "Wow! This movie sex scene is so awkward! But I only find it awkward because I'm sitting here with my wife and two teenage daughters! Does anyone else find this awkward!?" And I'm like "Dad Shut up! It's only awkward because you MAKE it awkward!"

My dad is the worst. I will be in the living room, on my computer, which is a few inches from the television, and he'll be on the couch behind me, going to a porn channel, navigating away, and waiting, then going back, waiting, navigating away, waiting, and going back.

Like...I'm here...and I do peripherally see you yo-yoing past that channel dad, lol.

These stories are hilarious, you guys.

My dad was sitting near me and farted but tried to cover it up. It was a long soft one, so it sounded like a hiss. So he starts whispering like he was thinking, talking to himself. No dad, I heard you fart, stop being an idiot.

Ugh, Cam, my dad's the opposite. EVEN IN PUBLIC, he'll purposely try to fart as loud as possible, before pumping his fists in the air excitedly, as if he was the champion -.-

He's honestly so embarrassing in public. He has a bad habit of putting his hat on backwards, and trying to walk like a gangster.... at DisneyWorld.

When I'm staying at home in my house, rather than my apartment, he also has a tendency to not give me the phone when someone calls for me. Sometimes he'll tell them he has no idea who I am. Sometimes he'll them them that I moved away. Sometimes he'll scream and tell them to stop calling us. Unfortunately, only my best friend calls there often enough to know he's joking (after she came to school depressed in grade 3, thinking I had actually moved to China ) But my other friends get totally intimidated and scared, lol. Thanks, dad.

"Zack I'm having a heavy flow day, could you go upstairs and grab me the pads from under the sink."

Zack wrote:

"Zack I'm having a heavy flow day, could you go upstairs and grab me the pads from under the sink."

BAHAHA, so awkward!!!

I remember when I was 9, I went to a work party with my dad. It was my parents 10 year anniversary coming up, so they were going to the Bahamas. Someone was like "So, Mike, what are you and your wife planning on doing on vacation?" thinking he was going to talk about scuba diving and all that fun stuff. Instead, my dad just says "Why do any of us go on vacation? SEX!!!" And since my dad runs a tool and die factory, most of the other guys are these sketchy guys, and they all start cheering, and I'm like "DADDY STOP IT!"

My friend's mom was using her wii and she said "OMG THIS IS MY FIRST TIME TOUCHING A WII!!"

Niki wrote:

My friend's mom was using her wii and she said "OMG THIS IS MY FIRST TIME TOUCHING A WII!!"

That's hilarious!!

Jess I would love your dad, hahaha. Thankfully my parents haven't had sex in like a bajillion years, so I'm in the clear on that one.

And Zack omg, I would die.

bahahaha, seriously, my dad is a riot... especially when he's been drinking.

Example, over Christmas, we were playing CatchPhrase. In case you've never played, you have a word and have to get your team to say the word (but you can't say any part of the word). He was drinking and got the word "seed" and he was like "When two people SCREW, what does he PLANT IN HER, that grows into a BABY!?!?" Next round, he got "sober" and all he said is "I'M MOST DEFINITELY NOT THIS RIGHT NOW!" THEN, he got "cocktail party". He failed at this one, since he used the word "tail", but he was like "If my winky grew a tail and went out clubbing, WHAT WOULD IT BE!?" He's so awkward during CatchPhrase, but he only plays when he's drunk, hahaha.

One of my favourite dad moments was when my mom asked me to check if he had made his lunch or if she had to, so I looked in the fridge, and saw his sandwich.... in a High School Musical bag

bahahaha, and he likes to singing about his alcohol. He's English, so it's in his blood But I remember once, I was on the phone, and all I could hear was "Oh my deeeeeeeear! My whiskey's finisheeeeeed! But that's okaaaaay! 'Cause I have beeeeeeeer!"

Watching movies with him is amazing too, hahaha. If it's something like Die Hard or Rambo and we're watching it for the first time, we place bets on what character is going to die first. Then we pretend we're in the movie. If the characters are like "AHHHH WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!" my dad and I scream along. We're like "OHNU!!! WE NEED TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THIS TOWER SO WE DON'T DIE!!! AHHHHHH!!!" My mom gets so frustrated, hahaha.

I don't get the joke, I don't know that word lol.

Hmmmmmm.... I'm have a horribly strong conscious which now feels bad about posting that last post XD

So I will get rid of it. Just know, people who didn't see the original post, that my dad taught my cousin's four year old son how to swear and tell racist jokes on Christmas, lmao

This is not something a parent said, but something I said... I was with my youth group at Wendy's and my best friend was with me (we are both in college). One of the girls had chicken nuggets and my friend starting taking her chicken nuggets and putting them on his tray. Once she realizes what was happening she just looked at him. After jokingly asking her what was wrong I naively said "How would you feel if she started fingering your nuggets?"



Again, I had no idea what I had actually said until the whole table is staring at me laughing and my friend turns beet red. LOL, good times, good times.

Lol Jess your post turned into a dancing banana! Magic!

*Ponders what nuggets would refer to*

*Is hungry for ... beef ravioli*

And just to keep with the theme of this thread... my mom is flossing on the couch right now. Also whenever she gets a yahtzi she keeps it to herself and then at the end of a game she suddenly wins because we never knew she had some epic score.

What was the topic again?

My mom doesn't do anything uncomfortable. She's just getting old and kookie (I love it).

My dad's just an ass.

^^^ Post of the year nom?

I dont want to hear my mother say ANYTHING about her sex life. ....

If you only knew what happened today...

TELL US
TELL US
TELL US
TELL US
TELLLLLLLLLLL USSSSSSSSSS!!!!!