- Dalton Ross wrote:
- 1. Survivor: Borneo (Winner: Richard Hatch)
Think back to when this show first came on the air — and how we had never seen anything like it. The season may not quite hold up when watched next to some later ones, but nothing will ever be able to duplicate that sense of wonder and excitement...
2. Survivor: Micronesia — Fans Vs. Favorites (Winner: Parvati Shallow)
…although this one came damn close. It wasn't just the most insane four-episode-run in Survivor history (with Ozzy, Jason, and Erik all getting blindsided, and then Amanda pulling out one last hidden immunity idol). It was also great characters (Chet and Joel are the 21st-century odd couple) and the perfect mix of solid and stupid gameplay.
3. Survivor: Heroes vs Villains (Winner: Sandra Diaz-Twine)
The Russell vs. Boston Rob feud made for the best pre-merge run of episodes ever. And the greatness just kept on coming. Filled with huge memorable moments like Tyson voting himself off, J.T. giving Russell his immunity idol, and Parvati handing out two immunity idols at one Tribal Council. Loses a few points for having so many three-timers, though, including a few (Amanda, James) that we simply didn't need to see again. The fresh blood of Micronesia keeps that season one slot higher.
4. Survivor: Amazon (Winner: Jenna Morasca)
Probably the most unpredictable season ever from week to week. Some people hate on Morasca as a winner, but she won challenges and played a great social game.
5. Survivor: Pearl Islands (Winner: Sandra Diaz-Twine)
Rupert stealing shoes. Fairplay getting drunk at Tribal Council. Osten sucking at everything. It was all delicious. Loses points, though, for the awful Outcasts twist, which also led to a disappointing final two.
6. Survivor: Palau (Winner: Tom Westman)
I loved watching one tribe decimate the other, culminating with Stephenie becoming a tribe of one. And the challenges may have been Survivor's best ever.
7. Survivor: Samoa (Winner: Natalie White)
Russell's controlling of the game (especially post-merge when his side was down 8-4) was truly a work of art. Evil genius art. He was robbed in the end, though, in the most controversial jury decision ever.
8. Survivor: Marquesas (Winner: Vecepia Towery)
An underrated season that saw the first totem pole shake-up: where people on the bottom got together to overthrow those on the top. Yes, it was a weak final two, but it also had a woman peeing on a guy's hand. Plus: Purple rock!!!
9. Survivor: Cook Islands (Winner: Yul Kwon)
What a difference a mutiny makes. It was listless until that fateful moment when Candice and Penner stepped off the mat. Then, we finally had underdogs to root for. The Tribal Council fire-making tiebreaker between Sundra and Becky may be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
10. Survivor: Australian Outback (Winner: Tina Wesson)
An overrated season. Probst loves it. I didn't. Solid but unspectacular. Pretty predictable boot order as well. Dude did burn his hands off, though.
11. Survivor: China (Winner: Todd Herzog)
Really good cast. Really bad location.
12. Survivor: Tocantins (Winner: J.T. Thomas)
Okay, you may roll your eyes at Coach. But imagine for a second this season without him. Bo-ring! His unintentional comedy single-handedly lifts this into the middle of the pack. Seriously, other than Tyson getting blindsided, were there any memorable moments that didn't involve the Steven Seagal wannabe?
13. Survivor: All-Stars (Winner: Amber Brkich)
Overall, a letdown, but man, were there some hate-fueled fireworks at those final few Tribal Councils. Plus: Best. Reunion Show. Ever. (Remember Jerri getting literally booed off the stage?)
14. Survivor: Panama (Winner: Aras Baskauskas)
Ah, just writing the word Panama gets me daydreaming about Survivor Sally and her intoxicating knee socks. Terry was robbed on a final challenge that may or may not have been completely fair. Another unmemorable final two.
15. Survivor: Gabon (Winner: Bob Crowley)
It got a bit better near the end, but it was still a case of too little, too late. The fact that so many unworthy players went so far is simply too damning.
16. Survivor: Africa (Winner: Ethan Zohn)
Some great challenges. Not that much else was great.
17. Survivor: Guatemala (Winner: Danni Boatwright)
One of the more unlikable casts so far. (Remember Judd? Jamie? Stephenie's evil twin?) Rafe was good for a few laughs, though. Especially on rope obstacles.
18. Survivor: Vanuatu (Winner: Chris Daugherty)
I don't blame producers: The battle of the sexes worked well the first time around.
19. Survivor: Thailand (Winner: Brian Heidik)
The fake merge and brutal last challenge (where the final three had to hold coins between their fingers in a crazy painful pose) keep this dud out of the bottom spot. Barely.
20. Survivor: Fiji (Winner: Earl Cole)
With the exception of Yau-Man and Earl, a true bummer of a cast, and the ''Haves Vs. Have-Nots'' twist was one of the worst creative decisions in Survivor history. Speaking of awful creative decisions…
21. Survivor: Nicaragua (Winner: Jud "Fabio" Birza)
Yep. It's at the bottom. The worst ever. For now, at least. I need to let it settle and see how it feels with a little distance, but it’s at the bottom now for a few reasons. 1) Splitting the tribes up by age and the Medallion of Power were both enormous flops. 2.) Like Thailand and Fiji, just two many unlikable players. 3) Two people quitting with only 11 days left. 4) No big memorable moments. Even Thailand had the fake merge and Fiji had the big Yau-Man/Dreamz free car deal gone bad, but what was Nicaragua' signature moment? Unfortunately, it was people quitting, and that was memorable for all the wrong reasons.
Alright, so this officially establishes that Dalton Ross is the biggest idiot ever, and is a know-nothing CBS kiss-ass.
I'm going to dismantle the entire ranking, and explain why Dalton is an idiot.
Borneo: Not the greatest season ever.
Heroes vs. Villains: Does not deserve top five. This is just stupid hype from CBS, and the Rob/Russell centric write-up is ridiculous.
Pearl Islands: Belongs in the top 3, and fuck your stupid prejudice against Sandra, you stupid dolt.
Palau: YOU CAN'T DECIMATE A TRIBE OF 9.
Samoa:
Samoa is a shit season, and the editing was ridiculously lopsided. Also, the true art came from Natalie, who is a goddess.
Marquesas: Fuck your stupid hating on UTR winners. It's a legitimate strategy. You're an idiot for reducing KATHY VAVRICK-O'BRIEN, the freaking fan favourite to: "a woman peeing on a guy's hand."
Cook Islands: Are you serious? This belongs in the bottom 3, not anywhere near the top 10.
Australia: Belongs higher.
China: More like: "Great cast, greater location." What is your problem, douche. This belongs in the top 5, you retard. You can't underrate one of the greatest seasons ever because you have a problem with the scenery, wtf?
Tocantins: Coach sucked in Tocantins. Get over it. Tyson was more hilarious, and more often than not, this was intentional.
All-Stars: Belongs lower. Players like Amber and Jenna got on because players like Elisabeth and Colleen said no.
Panama: Terry is a self-entitled bastard, and with players like Danielle and Cirie, you cared to mention SALLY? The invisible chick who only managed to get to the merge because she was exiled due to a sexist group of men? And fuck your commentary on unmemorable final twos.
Gabon: It sucked due to Sugar being an idiot, deserved lower.
Africa: This really proves just how wrong you are, and that you know nothing about Survivor.
Guatemala: Top 10 season for sure, though I hate Rafe outside of Survivor, and Steph is a little overrated.
Vanuatu: Wow. Really? Vanuatu is one of the best seasons ever, and produced one of the best winners, with the best story arc ever.
Thailand: Nearly in correct position.
Fiji: Nearly in correct position.
Nicaragua: You are such a mindless slave of CBS. Nicaragua was a great season with one of the greatest casts to date. The only reason this makes 21st is because Probst hates the season, and thus, by extension CBS and the rest of its journalists hate it. You are a shameless prick who deserves no credit. 1) How are they flops, explain things. 2) It's 'too'. The players were great, what the hell? Brenda, Sash, Fabio, Alina. Na Onka was a great player and fun to watch, despite being a little 'unpleasant', which was actually just being competitive. 3) Micronesia had 3 quits and you ranked it second, wtf? 4) Brenda blindside, Fabio's immunity run, Marty gives Sash the idol, Na Onka/Kelly B fight for the HII clue, Shannon explodes at tribal council...
How do you rank the seasons?
